The Birds, the Bees, and the Antichrist
by Aylice-in-hamster-land
Summary: A short parody that I wrote for a friend. Edward   The fairy with zombie sperm aka as Eddinstein Bella  Rubella the simple daughter of a man from Storks. Eddinstein teaches Rubella about the birds and bees and they bring the "antichrist" into the world.


Disclaimer: This was all done in good fun. My friend told me I should write her a Twilight parody to cheer her up so I did, I have to say it was a success she was vastly cheered up by it. This story is about two years old and I found it on my computer and decided to upload it so other people can laugh at it as well. So with that being said I own nothing and I hope you enjoy.

It was high noon when Rubella, yes like the disease, took that fateful stroll into the forest; located conveniently behind her quaint little house in Storks, Montana. She'd always hated this boring town, named after the stupid ugly bird that supposedly delivered babies, and oh how she hated those too. It was on this stroll driven by boredom and her seldom used sense of adventure that she met the fairy.

The sun was high in the sky and it glinted off of his skin, which sparkled like a child who had too much fun with a glitter project at school. His hair was amazing silky, she could tell by just looking at it, the way it flowed in golden locks down his back, the tendrils swaying gracefully in the wind as he flitted around the large, and out of place, willow tree. His wings were also amazing, she thought they incorporated every color of the rainbow, and she found herself wanting to pet them. However knowing that fairies weren't supposed to be real, and especially not this beautiful looking she hesitated in drawing closer; and instead hid behind a tree to observe him.

However, getting lost in watching him, she made the fatal mistake of relaxing too much, and let out a huge content filled sigh. He spun around and she was only slightly horrified to see that all the teeth in his mouth were crooked, save for the long extending canine teeth, those were perfectly sharp. "ummmm he-hel-hello."she stuttered and then twitched a little, it was a nervous habit of hers.

His anger was evident, as he stalked over to her and bent down to glare into her dull almost lifeless brown eyes. "Are you a stalker, creeper, or just a horny teenage girl?"

"Nei-Neither, I'm just Ru-Rub-Rubella."

"Oh, then hello Rubella," here he snorted laughing and sounding like donkey braying, " I'm Eddinstein, just your average everyday fairy. Do you like the wings?"

"Oh yes, they're beautiful," she managed without a stutter, " I me-me-mean you're bea-beaut-beautiful." Then blushed and pulled her chin into her chest embarrassed.

Eddinstein just laughed like a donkey again, and leaned closer to her, and ran his fingers, with long very well taken care of nails, through her hair. " Your hair, it's amazing, it reminds me of… Ramen Noodles."

"It does?" she asked hoping this was a _good_ thing.

"Oh yes… it makes me want to… teach you a thing or two about the birds and bees, care to learn?"

"Oh… but I don't like bees too well they sting and it hurts."

Again the laugh reminiscent of a braying ass resounded through the woods, " Oh don't worry these bees are nice, I can guarantee you'll like it."

She twitched again and felt shudders run through her as he ran his fingers through her ramen-like hair and then saw his beautiful wings shimmering in the sun and sighed, "Alright, what do you want to teach me?"

When she was again fully dressed after he was done "teaching" her about mother nature, she didn't quite know what to think. "ummmmm so what was I supposed to learn?"

" Why, Rubella, I just demonstrated to you how babies are made, however you don't have to worry about having them because I….. oh… nope actually I kinda forgot that."

"What did you forget?"

"Erm… just the condom, but it's totally okay, cause see I'm actually an undead beautiful and forever sexy fairy that lives off of the blood of small mammals and I have zombie sperm so… yeah so you should just forget all about this."

"Oh…. OKAY!" she said giggling, not caring to listen to half of what he said, she was too busy staring at his wings, "So eddinstein, have your wings always been that beautiful?"

"Hmmm… oh yes always Rubella, I think it might be time for you to be returning home."

"Oh, but I don't want to go, I want to stay here with you, and you can help me grow wings, you could turn me into a fairy, oh please won't you? Please, oh please oh please oh please?"

He rolled his eyes, " I can't turn you into a fairy, I was born this way, then some crazy Mormon lady paid some lab to splice my DNA with a vampire's so I could be sexy and undead… duh…"

"oh… what does that mean?"

"It means if you go home right now, if you come back a year from now I'll show you how to be a fairy…"

"Oh and I'll have pretty wings, just like yours, right?"

"Yes Rubella."

"Oh yay, I've always wanted wings!" she said before skipping back down the path to her house, wondering if she would see him again the next day.

Rubella took daily and sometimes more than one a day walks into the woods and never saw him, then the time started to pass and she began to feel really funny, and she hid herself away in her room and refused to eat, all she wanted to do was to see his wings glisten in the sunlight again, was that so much to ask for?

She eventually cheered up and began to eat again, after realizing that he told her to come back in a year, and perhaps he had other people to teach the birds and bees to. Soon after she began to grow bigger and bigger and her dad just ignored it, telling her that she'd been eating too many cookies. However after removing all the junk food from the house, she still was gaining weight, upon taking her to the doctor it was discovered that she was going to be a mother. Her father was furious, even more so upon hearing the doctor make a snide remark about how the girl could barely take care of herself. Not that it wasn't true, but it was still embarrassing.

When they arrived back home that evening her father sat her down for a serious talk; in which he demanded to know who she'd had sex with. After protesting that she'd not done anything called 'sex' her father sighed, wondering what had gotten into her, " I may have raised a moron, but definitely not a liar, now tell me who you had sex with!" he snapped at her.

Rubella was frustrated and she was close to throwing a tantrum, "I didn't do it. I didn't, I didn't I didn't!" she repeated stubbornly like a small child when the evidence is mounted against them, though they deny in hope of escaping punishment.

Her father decided to try a different tactic. "Alright, so if you didn't have sex did anything strange happen to you lately?"

Rubella's face lit up, remembering Eddinstein and his beautiful wings, his crooked teeth and his skin, that looked like it had specs of glitter embedded in it. " Oh yes, something very strange and wonderful happened lately, but you probably wouldn't believe me if I told you."

"Well tell me anyway." He snarled at her.

"Okay… Well see I was walking through the woods and I saw a fairy, a real life fairy with the coolest name, it was Eddinstein! But he had rainbow wings and he was just so beautiful with his skin with glitter in it, crooked teeth and his long gorgeous hair, oh he said my hair remind him of Ramen noodles… it was so romantic! Anyway I saw him, and I tried to hide but he KNEW I was there, and he told me he was going to teach me about the birds and bees." She paused here to think back, "I didn't learn anything about birds or bees, but we cuddled with our clothes off and then after he said he forgot the condom, but I shouldn't worry about it…"

Her father took deep calming breaths and sighed, then sat down to explain the birds and the bees, the right way, and only after making sure she understood did he send her to her room.

Months later it was almost time for her to give birth; she'd been generously supplied with diapers, clothes, binkies and all of the moral support she could get and she still wasn't happy, she didn't want to be a mother she hated children, and she hated that the stork had decided to visit her, why all she wanted were her wings.

She sat up and threw her legs over the side of the bed and waddled into the bathroom, and did her business when she came back out she was surprised to see her fairy in her bedroom, sure he was uninvited but that was besides the point, he'd come back hadn't he? "Oh Eddinstein I'm so happy to see you!" she yelled and rushed over to hug him, almost brutally damaging his wings in the process.

He glared and shoved her to the floor, "You idiot," he snapped at her while smoothing out his rainbow colored wings, "You almost damaged them." Then he smirked, "See you're knocked up."

"Yeah and daddy says it's your fault for teaching me about the birds and the bees. And if what he says is true, then he's right cause I didn't do no naked cuddling with anyone else."

He looked at the annoying and rather dimwitted girl sitting on the floor in front of him, "Well that is interesting indeed."

"Yeah, but where have you been Eddinstein? I've missed seeing you, and you're wings of course, they're so dreamy!"

"Oh around, but I've been keeping an eye on you."

"Oh really!"

"Yes," he said grinning, " I need to see if you were worthy of being turned into a fairy, however having a kid an all means that you've lost the privilege."

Rubella looked as though she was going to cry, "But, that's not fair! And how come I never saw you?"

"That's because I can totally make myself invisible at will, cause I'm awesome like that. But anyway I've been watching you day and night for the past couple months, I've watched you through the bathroom window, I've come in while you were in the shower, left you messages a few times on the mirror then I decided to erase them, oh and when you eat, sleep, think, walk anywhere, and do your homework. Basically I've been watching you nonstop since I last saw you."

"Oh that's so sweet of you, did you want to make sure I was okay?"

Eddinstein rolled his eyes, " No Rubella, I told you I was making sure you were well suited for being turned into a fairy. However, I think you might still be suitable, you with your hair like Ramen Noodles." He said walking closer to run his fingers through it once more. " I did this while you were asleep a few times."

"Oh, that's okay I don't mind so long as I can be a fairy and spend time with you my love."

"Whoa… back up love? I don't know who put that idea in your head, I'm not your love… maybe friends with benefits, but umm I'm totally not your love sweetheart."

"Okay that works too."

He opened his mouth to say something then thought better of it and let loose his donkey-like laugh. "So any thoughts on what you're going to be naming my child?"

"Ummmm actually I have a name picked out this creepy old lady like found me somehow on the street and said her name was something like Meyer… but she's more like Michael Myers way creepy right? But she told me she had a dream that I was going to be stuck choosing between the names Antigone and Christina and that she had a brilliant idea of how to merge the two."

"Did she, and how was that?"

"She said that I had to name my baby Antichrist and it would be the perfect mix of the two names; so weird that she dreamed about names for the baby though…"

"Indeed, well I think I've finally made my decision on whether or not to turn you into a fairy like me and give you wings."

"Oh wonderful, I'm going to have wings!"

"Actually… I've decided against it, nothing personal, just that it would take a lot of time to teach you have to fly properly and use all the powers that comes with being a fairy right, like super speed, laser vision, super strength, ESP, and we have awesome potions skills, but uh generally we don't brag about that… mostly because we tend to make better ingredients than potions… Anyway I'll be back in a few years to check in on the kid, have some father daughter time and umm yeah so I'll see you in a few years."

Rubella watched as her beautiful fairy turned invisible slowly, first his glistening wings began turning clear from the tips and then it sped up as it got to his sexy hair, and too soon he was gone and she was left alone with her unborn Antichrist.

A few months later Rubella was getting accustomed to life with Antichrist, who was quite possibly the most annoying drooling snot-rag of a baby she'd ever met. She was just putting her little demon to bed in her crib when tons of fairies in varying sizes, shapes and colors appeared out of nowhere.

"Who are yall?" she asked dumbly looking at them while haphazardly balancing the tot on one of her hips.

"We are the high council of fae folk, called Violets. We are looking for one escaped criminal called Eddinstein, he has a penchant for running around teaching young girls about the birds and the bees, which is what fairies do ya know, but he likes the young uns and that's really not good for our reputation."

"No, no absolutely not." Coursed the other Fairies in the room.

"So anyway, we were wondering if you had seen him, we got word he was here a while ago."

Rubella blinked, "He's not around, this is his brat though if you want it."

All of the movement in the room stopped for an eternity all wrapped up into the space of a second, then all hell broke loose. "KILL IT KILL IT It's going to end the world as we know it!"

Several of the fairies backed, or glided away fearfully, eyes wide and staring at the thing in her arms, others lurched forward to get a better look, all whilst Rubella just stood there holding the baby out towards them.

"We've always known this day would come, see Eddinstein is a half-breed, it was foretold long ago that whenever he reproduced his spawn would bring about the end of our existence as we know it."

"Okay?"

"That means we have to kill it."

"Okay?" Rubella asked again, not seeing what the problem was, maybe if she didn't have this kid Eddinstein would come back and he could tell her more about the birds and bees and this time maybe he'd remember the condom.

"Alright, so who gets killing duty?" asked one of the older Fae folk.

A rather large fairy in the back of the room bravely rushed forward and snatched the baby from Rubella before she could protest and was about to dispose of the problem when the little scamp let out a laugh, a mix between the sound of a braying ass and a car backfiring. This caused an immediate silence, which lasted all of five seconds before all the fairies began cooing at the baby, and singing her praises.

Rubella was confused, "I thought you were going to kill Antichrist?"

"Oh is that her name how cute and adorable it fits her, look how cute she is," said the man fairy that had introduced the order of the Violets.

"And how could we ever hurt something so small and meek and cute as this?" asked the beasty fairy handing Antichrist back to her mother.

"So, I don't really think she'll be too big of a problem we could probably leave now, if we get back to the land of Violas in time we could be just in time for our daily Vitamin tea."

"Yes, yes, that sounds wonderful since I can't remember why we were here, was it to look at that adorable baby?"

"Oh yes, probably so the cutest thing I've ever seen in my life."

They all left talking about cute the baby was, and surprisingly not one of them questioned why all of the Violets top members and tracking squad all had congregated at one house to look at the cute little thing.

Rubella watched them leave feeling extremely confused, then shrugged, not like she cared too much, or had much brain power to put forth into thinking too hard on it. She placed Antichrist in her crib and then trotted off downstairs to speculate about when Eddinstein would come back to see his child, she just knew if she could get him alone again she would absolutely, undeniably, and inevitably talk him into turning her into a sparkling fairy so she could spend the rest of eternity with beautiful wings and being taught more about the birds and the bees.

THE END! XD


End file.
